Sounds pretty snazzy, that headline, doesn’t it? But it’s true.
I have been plagued throughout my life with this uncanny feeling of disappointment; that it isn’t enough; that I am doomed to fail and others will delight in it with an ” I told you so.” Nothing but smiling faces surrounding me while a shudder from another enormous mistake. Time. And time again.
Sounds pretty grim. Having now attained a modicum of success, I realize those past disappointments, including future ones, are necessary for anybody willing to live a life full of risks. It is important to buck trends because trends will drive you to the middle of mediocrity. That is one place I don’t want to live.
I must tell you, if I had a nickel for every mistake I’ve made, I would be a gazzilionaire. My incompetency is only saved by moments of astounding brilliance. A mentor of mine once said about himself that he was like “reading Shakespeare by lightning flash.” So true, about me and so many I know that are worthy of praise and acknowledgement.
Making decisions that exist on a razor’s edge. These hurt at the time of decision and reverberate for days to come. I feel much sadness for many of my decisions because they hurt those who do not deserve it. Sometimes my decisions help those same folk. In fact, they have been known to turn the tide. Not so right now.
Right now is a difficult time. Criticism is loud and constant. My choices do not seem to be helping. I am going to keep making choices, however, remembering to focus on the solution, not the noise surrounding the solution. And the solution is always going to win the day, if it is the right thing to do. How do you know it is the right thing to do. You just do. It feels different from the wrong thing. Sounds silly, but it’s true.
These days of darkness will lead to sunshine because what’s being done and has been done, is right. Stay the course and all will be OK. Whatever the outcome. All will be OK. Strange philosophy, wouldn’t you say.
The only way to get to that place is knowing the pain of disappointment and knowing the survival of disappointment. It will not kill you. You know that tedious old saying: “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” What doesn’t kill you…
Yep. But what if it kills you? Then it doesn’t matter, anyway. Survival hinges on moving forward. Every day. Moving forward. Keep breathing and move forward. Onward and awkward, as my Dad used to say.
Years ago, I wrote a column in a small, daily newspaper. It appeared three times-a-week, if memory serves. It was my happiest time of life, in terms of work. One day I was feeling extraordinarily frustrated and downright pissed-off. So, I wrote that in my column.
What I did was take a huge type-face, and write the word: AAAAAAARGH!!! And ran it down the entire length of the space reserved for my column. At the bottom, it read: “Just one of those days.”
It almost got me fired. Remember this was printed in a newspaper with about a 10,000 to 15,000 daily circulation. Small delivery area.
In fact, the paper it was printed in only exists today as an insert of a couple of pages into another paper.
Point being, it is remembered to this day. Perhaps, not fondly. Perhaps, with a dismissive sense of “you’re and idiot and you should have been fired.” But, it is remembered.
And there are those who remember it, and say, “God, how I have had those days. Sure, I remember that column. That was something else.” Yes, indeedy.
I don’t know about you but that’s OK with me; disappointments are everywhere. But they’re necessary. And in my case, constant. I will keep moving forward. I will keep making decisions on the razor’s edge until the razor’s edge has its way and I am cut to the quick. Talk soon.